The 5oz Foodie

It's been exactly a week since my last post and I know I said I was going to blog daily and my plan is to continue in that vein, but sometimes life gets in the way... emotions mostly get in the way... My emotions for Christmas got in the way this year... From the outside world, everyone would probably assume everything was pretty hunky dory aside from the minor stress during Holiday Party week or Toys for Tots wrap up week, but not so... I know I usually share my world; the good, the bad and the atrocious; but this time I concealed alot... A few weeks ago my family lost a friend back home that I have known for most of my life... He has been sick for quite some time but it really sadened me that Mom and I couldn't be there to pay respects to our friends... He was part of the person I am now...He was a fantastic musician, he made great blaffles (waffles that overflow the waffle maker), great friend and neighbor... I don't know what exactly happened, but Christmas just fel...

Little things over time can build up...Both good and bad... And if we hold them in too long they have a way of escaping... Usually the good things aren't so explosive but the bad things can come out in different forms... Underlying anger, snarky behavior, loss of temper, silent treatment to others, even sickness... Yep, when Kelly Clarkson said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, She wasn't refering to burried anger... Burried hurts and anger just make you hurt more... They make you less trusting to others and of others; and quitly frankly make you not fun to be around... In my life I have carried around a lot of anger at times, mostly in the past but I have in the not so distant past as well, and I have learned that when you carry that hurt and pain around with you and you don't dig it out, it will fester and make you miserable because it just wants to consume you... We all know people that just seem like they are miserable all the time and the only time t...

For some reason this year's rapidly approaching Christmas has been more emotional than year's past... Perhaps it is because last year was so huge, with sneaking home to surprise my entire family... But little things are bring about tears when normally I can keep it all together...Part of me is missing my family and big part of me is missing my Dad... Of all of the weird things that brought tears over my weekend, I was shopping at Bath and Body Works on Friday and they had a store bonus and of course because of all of these bonuses the store was packed almost like it was Black Friday again... Well once I made it to the register the cashier made me a deal on a purchase with purchase I couldn't pass up that I had considered and she actually added on additional discounts that I wasn't expecting which in turn saved me even more money and it just really touched me... I mean I know she was just doing what they probably told her to, but in the manner it was delivered made me ...

Quick turn around from last night, but who knew I would have so much to say at 9am on a Saturday morning after only being up for an hour... Why do people freel it's neccessary to bad mouth people they don't even know? And when they do hide behind a private account? That is what happened to me this morning on the Instagram... I have been blogging off and on here on Blogger since 2012 and before that sporadically on Facebook for a few years and I have had comments, usually positive but you post one photo of yourself enjoying a slice of Chocolate cake from Portillo's and suddenly your a FATF&@%...  REALLY? I mean seriously? That's all you got? That is SOOOO original... Then when I click on the name to see who came up this brilliant monicker their account is PRIVATE... Go figure... If you are going to have the BALLS to post something like that on a complete strangers instagram page or any social media page for that matter,  than you should at least have the cajones to...

What a whirl wind of a week... You know you are hitting extremes when one night you are in bed by 830 and the next you are still awake at 110... But my bed is calling me but I knew there were some things that needed to be said tonight... I know I havne't spoken a ton about the weight issue each day but believe me it's a lot to discuss... I wish I had an answer to why we end up falling back into our old habits after we get moving into better ones and doing so well... Why we have that internal self destruct button suddenly get pressed that just blows everything out of wack and we pack back on all of the weight we managed to set free to begin with, except this times all of those fat cells we sent packing, have returned home with a whole mess of their friends... I start to think that maybe the old habits are just to comfortable, like that old pair of stretchy pants that we all have in our closet... You know the ones I'm talking about... The ones that are a way smaller size ...

I know I am carrying more weight when my numb hands and excessive soarness and tiredness returns... For the past few weeks, I can barely keep my eyes open at 8:30pm. It is so crazy because you wilth think this would motivate me even more but when you have that lack of energy it makes it that much harder... But I won't give up, not on being healthier and not on this blig, except for tonight... Musicsongbird

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is take a breath, step back and put your hand over your mouth... Because if you don't it can get you into more trouble than it is even worth...  Sadly not everyone knows this trick however... At the end of the day it's crazy when I look back and see just how many times I had to do this today alone... So for tonight, I am going to do something I don't do to often and I am going to ponder on todays happenings in silence. I am going to collect my thoughts as I collect my dreams and I will leave you with one thing... Each day is another step along your journey... Which way you go is up to you, which challenges you choose to step away from or face is up to you... Not every path is easy, nor is every path is clear, but if you stick to it, your journey can be an incredible one if you let it... musicsongbird

Some days you wake up only to want to roll over and go back to bed... And today was one of those weeks... But I have a job to go to and I knew I had people relying on me to be there and I am out of vacation pay so, High Ho, High Ho it's off to work i went...  Still with baby steps I traveled, tripping and stumbling over my breakfast choices, but thankfully the chili I brought for lunch was a great rescue and the applesauce I keep in my desk was a nice chaser for it as well, but the naughty bonus backstep was the bag of mini oreos I also found down by the appelsauce... But after the icky feelings I was having, I figured I probably "needed" them to help me feel better... Well, I don't suspect the Oreos did anything to make me feel bettter, I think it was the smiles from the new cast I met after lunch and got to show around and get to know, because I what I realize time and again, is that when you take your eyes off your own pain and hurt and self pitty and focus ...

Whoever thought starting a new journey in the middle of a holiday feeding frenzy was a good idea clearly has some issues on their hands... Oh wait, that person is me... But if you think about it, is there really ever a good time in anyones mind to start a new journey like this? I mean don't we all at some point come up with an excuse or don't we rationalize why it's ok to have that extra helping or to have the candy bar or 2 or 3... Why it's alright that we name our bed Gym and tell everyone that we are spending sometime there.  (Not that I have done that, I just know people that may have.) Sonow is the time and we are taking baby steps... why baby steps you ask? Because every step they make forward and not fall is a celebration! Despite be scared of the unknown babies want to move forward... They want to get places on their own and isn't that really what we all want? I have some pretty big things coming my way next year... I have family coming to visit me in ...

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is spend some time with some good friends even if it's just for an hour at lunch... You never truly realize just want that time does for your mental health...  Today wasn't 100% perfect with food and not evn close when it came to excercise or steps or activity at all, but it's all about acknowledging the change you see in yourself and taking baby steps in making those changes... I realize I can't go into things, everything all at once, because when I do I get all of this momentum and the minute something doesn't go as planned I get disappointed and I give up... So if I make small, smarter goals and I am able to reach them I can keep them... And with that I am less likely yo give up in the end... So for now, little steps and happy times with my friends will continue... musicsongbird

Wow, I feel like I climbed a mountain today... Well Bok Garden's is located on Iron Mountain and it is the 3rd highest spot in Florida so i guess in a way you could say I did.... So i guess that could be the reason I am completely exhausted... Which isn't really a bad thing, it means I had a great time enjoying the out of doors and getting some steps in... I didn't have a tremendous feeding frenzy like I typically do on my weekends... Today I enjoyed a small berakfast and light lunch served in the cafe at Bok tower and a delightful dinner at Manny's with the Bestie after a rousing game of mini golf... The one great insight I gained from this day was this... There are still really good people in the world... People that don't always think of themselves first and they are raising incredible children to think of others first as well... Every year Mom and I have the opportunity to go on a tour of the Founder's Room at Bok Tower which is basically the ground floo...

Another year is quickly coming to an end and so many things are rolling back to me... pounds mostly... and now I must begin a new journey and this time I am going to do something a little more live than I have done in the past... When I first began Skinny Girl...In a Fat Girl's Body; on January 1, 2012 it was all about me and living my life and the day to day observances and really a personal challenge to myself that I could write for an entire year... Well, I don't want to wait until January 1 this time around, because I need to start now... I need to get my health under control now... I was doing so well in the beginning of this year... I was down almost 30 pounds at one point and something in side of me just gave up... There was no injury that prevented me from getting out and moving, no sickness that kept me bed ridden... Just me... Something in my mind and my heart that started me on the down word spiral to where I sit now at 347 pounds... Not my heaviest by any means b...

So this is a very different blog from my normal one... This is my first hurricane experience since living in Central Florida... Matthew is preparing his trip to Disney World and everyone is having a roller coaster of emotions about his arrival... The media tries to keep us safe with up to the minute information but it also causes up to the minute panic as well... I saw gas stations run out of gas today... I saw empty shelves at the grocery stores and convenience stores in the past 24 hours... As we were released from work today, we wished each other well and told everyone to stay safe, because thankfully we know when a hurricane is coming... But like a flood, or tornado or any other natural disaster, we have no idea what damage it will bring with it and what it will leave behind in it's wake... So for now, Mom and I sit and watch Murder She Wrote ont he DVR and watch out the front window as the rains come and go and the almost eery silence, I almost wish it would start so it ...

Life is filled with a series of struggles... Some are worth fighting for and others we should just lay aside and keep moving forward.... When you come up against a struggle whether it is one you are having with another person or one you are having inside yourself you need to stop and think a few things...  Let's talk about the struggle with someone else, whether it be family, friend or co-worker or maybe a stranger you run into in your daily life...  1st - Before you react, or soon after the initial reaction; was you reaction fair to the situation? 2nd - Is the situation you are struggling with really worth the turmoil? 3rd -  Is the trouble your having theirs or yours? 4th - Either try and resolve it with that person, or let it go and walk away.  Finally - If you chose to let it go... DON'T PICK IT BACK UP!!!! You don't need that stress in your life. Clearly if it's the other persons drama and you resolved it in your own mind, let them worry about it....

I have really been struggling internally lately with things, but it's those things that dwell in the back of my mind that don't have words... They are just stirring emotions without any substance and all I can do is pray and ask God to handle them for me so I don't have a melt down...Again... I don't want anyone to panic, this happens from time to time... I know I have people I can talk to and I do, but when there are no words, then there is nothing to say... For those of you that have never dealt with depression, it's so hard to explain... I know I have said this before and I will say it again... Please be patient and don't rush us... When we are ready to talk we will and don't get angry if we decide we just need a little time to ourselves... It's nothing against you, but we need that time for our own sanity... We hide our pain inside because we have to be strong for others to often... And sometimes our strength just gives out and we need a rest f...

Life has been anything but normal lately... for over 188 days I have been working on a huge project... Well, I have been not always been actively working on it, but I have been pursuing this project... You might call it a Home Improvement Project... A DIY even... Except for once, I decided I couldn't truly do it alone anymore... On Tuesday, I completed a 15 week Healthy You class at Our Center for Living Well where I work... A class that combined the Nutritional, Mental and Physical Fitness aspects that we need to make healthier decisions for our selves... During the time frame of the class I have lost 10 pounds which for some may not seem like much, but for me, I will take it... For someone who has lived the ups and downs of weight gain and weightloss, every loss is a win and a step closer to my goal... Which brings me to probably the biggest truth I have been contemplating for awhile and one I can not take back once I have posted it... So this is my huge step of faith... No...

Certain times of the year bring on stronger emotions for me and this time makes no exceptions... With yesterday being Father's Day it stirs up a lot of emotions, not just for the fact that I lost my Dad to Cancer almost 18 years ago, but because I am so far away from my big brothers so I don't even have them around to celebrate with. So Mom and I make it a point of having a special celebratory dinner in honor of Dad each year and have things we believe he would have enjoyed. Each year the meal is different but the dessert is always the same, Baskin Robbins. So this year we chose Burger King, because my Dad enjoyed their Whoppers. Following are uneventful dine in experience we headed down to BR to get a scoop of mine and Mom's favorite, Peanut Butter and Chocolate, topped with Dad's Favorite, Pralines and Creme. It always brings a smile to my face when we talk about old times with Dad and the fun we had. Sadly, sometimes I feel like those memories are fading for me, be...

So 126 days in and 22 pounds down and feeling pretty good physically but mentally I am struggling within myself still on a daily basis and I know that will happen because I am human. I know I should be getting out there and exercising and working out and all sorts of things but right now mentally all I can handle is the dietary changes and tracking how many steps I am taking per day and on days like today when I barely broke 1500 I feel like I failed myself somehow. But on the flip side I was under my calories, just barely and I should be happy, but I guess it's just a case of the throwing other feelings I am going through into the container and slamming the lid shut on them kind of day to deal with them later. Sometimes all you can do is take one step at a time and for me, my step is getting the calories under control. I still struggle with wanting to over eat and so I have to prepackage my breakfast and lunches for work and Mom and I menu plan our dinners so I know what to expe...

So very often we take our emotions and we stuff them into containers instead of facing them head on... And when those containers get too full they can't hold it any longer and they just explode... You see I have a hard time being honest with people I am close to because for to long I have held my tongue because I have felt like I have never truly felt like my opinion mattered or was valued... That I was always told simply that my thoughts weren't right and theirs was and that was that... So over time instead of voicing what I had to say I would just mash it down in my emotions container; whether it was anger or disgust or shame or sadness and just keep pushing it down and slamming the lid shut on top and hoping nothing would spill out... Tonight I learned something really important about the detriment to that... You push and shove to much of that down and at some point and time its all going to come spewing out at once like an erupting volcano and you may have to face it and ...

So I am on an amazing, difficult, stressful, relaxing, relentless, exciting, dramatic, painful, drawn out, extreme, life changing journey of weight-loss right now... I have been using the My Fitness Pal app for 106 days and haven't missed a log in yet. I log all of my food and beverage intake and my exercise as well. Right now the exercise consists of walking to my locations at work instead of driving when I can and then walking on my weekends with my bestie.  I am working myself back to working out like I used to, it's little steps. This is a marathon not a 50 yard dash... I am finding that I am craving fresh foods instead of fast... I am loving veggies and fruits especially the fresh blueberries you can pick right now at local farms... We are going for the 3rd weekend in a row this week... I am getting great satisfaction from picking my own food and seeing where it comes from... I am finding my passion for cooking again... I hate to admit it Mom, but for awhile I was regr...

So no one said it was going to be easy but I am making little changes that are making a big impact on my day to day life... 90 days ago I re-downloaded the Myfitnesspal app and have been logging my food and exercise everyday and I am honestly seeing a difference in what I eat and how I feel... No one said this journey would be easy or quick but day by day I notice new things and feel a little better... I think my Mom said it best this weekend when she said that she never thought she would enjoy eating healthy foods... and I totally agree... I still have people ask if I am dieting and I have to tell them how much I dislike that word, DIET... When you Diet it is so temporary... It makes me think of fads that come and go, usually not under a doctor's supervision and usually involving cutting out something like carbs or everything white or all sugars or everything with green stripes or some odd reasoning behind it... I prefer to look at what I am doing as a lifestyle overhaul... Yo...

I forgot what it' felt like to eat healthy... When I lived alone I ate a certain way because I didn't have a lot of money and so I spent my money wisely but on healthier choices and I found myself losing weight and now all of these years later I am consciously tracking the food I am putting in my body and I find that the longer I track it, the more I feel my cravings changing... Does this mean I don't want a piece of cake or a cookie now, absolutely not, it just means I don't find myself wanting to mindlessly sit down and pout away a bag of chips or candy or cookies... I feel like I am OK with just a little something... If you don't allow yourself a variety of foods then you will end up sabotaging yourself in the end... I think the less extra sweets I have, other than fruits which are naturally sweet, the less processed sweets I crave... Before I couldn't drive past Krispy Kreme or Baskin Robbins without wanting to pull in... Now I'm OK with a bowl of Hone...

I messed up tonight, I lost another fight I still mess up but I'll just start again I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground I always get up now to see what's next [Pre-Chorus] Birds don't just fly, they fall down and get up Nobody learns without getting it wrong [Chorus] I won't give up, no I won't give in Till I reach the end and then I'll start again No I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail I won't give up, no I won't give in Til I reach the end and then I'll start again No I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail [Verse 2] Look at how far you've come, you filled y`our heart with love Baby you've done enough, take a deep breath Don't beat yourself up, don't need to run so fast Sometimes we come last, but we did our best [Chorus] I won't give up, no I won't give in Til I reach the end and then I'll start again ...

It's been a long month... I haven't written in awhile again. I go through these peaks and valleys where I just don't feel like communicating out of my finger tips and right now I guess Yelping tonight got my juices flowing. So to catch you up I have started a pretty huge step over the past month, I am and have been actively tracking my food and calories and steps/activity through an app called My Fitness Pal and as painful as it is some days I do it. It's not easy realizing what you are actually putting into your body. Entering in steps and calories burned is easy because you get those calories back, but definitely not the opposite. But I have had some really supportive friends and it's made it a lot easier this time around and believe me I have been around this block a time or twelve, but this time it definitely feels different. This time I feel more thoughtful I think... I feel more focused... Now if I can just get my body to cooperate I will be in a great pla...

What a whirlwind of a week... I am so tired but I am equally proud of myself... For the first time in I can't remember when I actually walked all the way from the Biergarten backstage to cast services and then from there back to my office behind Mission Space... That isn't all... Then later on I took a round trip from my office to Norway and back with my boss, walking both ways... No coughing episodes, no major wheezing, just feeling a little worn out but feeling proud of myself for not giving up today... I didn't quite make it to 10,000 steps but I am almost there and I will get back to that number on a consistent basis again, but until I do I will continue to take things one step at a time... The hardest thing to realize when you are trying to lose weight is that it takes time... You didn't put the weight on all in one sitting, so unless you plan on having surgery or liposuction, you aren't going to have it all come off in one sitting wither... 1-2 pounds pe...

So this is my second attempt at blogging this month... Last night was the first... For the past 24 hours this was a blank page because at first I thought I knew what I wanted to say and then at the last minute I crapped out... I know it has been a month since I last wrote and so many thoughts have passed through this mind of mine and gone to waste but I guess there are just times I feel like they aren't worth sharing or they are better left unsaid... I have been doing a lot of self talk lately because sometimes I am the best one to understand what I am going through... Plus I need to talk myself through it to try and make sense of it or try and handle it... One thing I have never been secretive about in this blog is my weight battle and I am not about to be... In fact I am tracking it and watching it more than I have in a long time and I am trying to make a valiant effort these days...  Many realizations have hit me recently a big one being I am wasting my life being overweight...

I ran across this post today and it really hit close to home for me in so many ways... Well actually it spoke to the old me... The me before meds, before therapy, before the honesty with myself... I still have the depression diagnosis, but my suffering isn't what it was... There are still times I have tears for no reason... There is still times I can't explain what I am feeling, I just simply have no words... but if I pray for peace and focus on God's grace I know I can overcome those feelings of loneliness and sadness... For those that do not suffer from Depression you will never understand the darkness it causes... The pain and sadness you can feel...The absolute desperation of it all to just stop being so sad... This is probably why I try and live my life in such a positive way... Always smiling sharing love with everyone I meet... If I am always smiling and forcing the happy, I never have to feel the pain trying so desperately to bubble up from the depths... So ...

I find life funny... Well really people are...  We do so much to impress others from dressing better, or losing weight, or buying expensive toys, or bad mouthing others because you think it makes you look better... We put on a show... So very often we pretend to be someone we aren't to be friends with people that aren't worth the time of day because in the end you know that no matter how much BS comes out of their mouth saying I have your back or we are in this together, in the end it's just words. When they say actions speak louder than words, that is where my faith begins. I believe God has gotten me through a lot in my 42 years of life, thanks to an amazing family and some extremely special friends. Ones I have known for years and a few I have only had the pleasure of knowing a short time. I have learned that the words of a friend are only as good as the actions that follow, because many of the so called friendships I thought I had were just friends by speech and not f...

What a whirlwind of a month... Being sick most of the month hasn't been very magical that's for sure but being down for the count left my mind free a lot of the time to do some thinking... I am sure at some point I have written about this over the past few years but it came back to smack me in the face this past week... Self deprecating humor... I should know better but for so long I have had that mind set that if I make people laugh, even if it is at my own expense, it's OK because people are laughing and having a good time and it's not hurting anyone because I am the one making the jokes... Except that isn't entirely true... Little by little the more we tear down ourselves with these mindless jokes we are tearing apart our own self worth... Words can be just as damaging when they come from our own mouths when we say them to our selves as the words others say to us... And of we say them enough, we start believing them just like when others say them to us... N...

    Sometimes you laugh to cover the tears... I had an over all good day today... Nothing remotely terrible in fact... At one point a friend sent me a virtual drink through Instant messenger and when I inquired why, she replied that she didn't like to drink alone... Which of course caused me to reply with many lols... Of course do not worry, the only drinking we did on the job was water and maybe tea for me and possibly a pop or soda for her... Don't want anyone to think we are up to naughty things in our trailer... Focusing on being happy has been a great tool in keeping the stresses of every day life at bay, however it can't fix everything... Sometimes little things slip through and we have to face realities that we haven't wanted to admit to ourselves because they hurt to much... I have been writing this blog off and on for some time now and with a title like Skinny girl in a fat body obviously there are weight battles I deal with on a daily basis... I faced one...

     There is nothing more worrisome than to have your text alert go off at 6:30 in the morning from a friend because you never know what it will bring... Well this morning it was news that she was not well and wouldn't be coming into work today... Well how did this effect me exactly? Well, she was training the class I am currently shadowing to facilitate... The class I have only shadowed once and have only read through the script, if you include my time in the class I attended at Work University and yesterday when I shadowed her that would equal the amount of times I have thus far actually read the entire script... So again, how does this effect me? Since I am sure Work has many people that train said class... Um well there is the rub... In our park there are exactly 6; my friend that called in, myself, 2 others still learning the class and 2 more that know the class but come in at or after the time the class is scheduled to start and there are 9 trainees enrolled to att...

      It was so nice to be back to work today. I do feel bad that a coworker/friend got a little scared when I sent her the following photo yesterday. Well the photo wasn't the scary part, the scary part was the fact that the photo never went through but the text following it did... Which read "Having a cat scan to finally find out what's wrong with me"  Did I mention I have been sick for the past week and I called out sick yesterday and went home sick on my last day of work last week AND missed work the day prior to that... Um January Jokes??? I can't be blamed that her phone wasn't accepting my picture message? Besides after she panicked at the text she ran to another coworker/friend and showed her my text which she promptly replied...well I won't quote her, but let's just say she politely informed her that she may be slightly off her rocker (my words which are a little nicer than what may or may not have been actually said because I was not ther...

     It's been sometime since I have last written and I realized I was a lot happier and healthier when I was blogging.  As I was going through my photos from my holiday trip home I found this "wonderful" gem of me watching Brave in 3-D at my SIL's Dad's house and all I think is Wow, not my best look. And I have some work to do. But how does the year start off for me?  Aches, pains and sickness for the past week and now that I am finally feeling better, I am ready to get moving again and start doing something positive for myself so I don't have to start another year looking like this again.      I was doing so well at the beginning of last year and then life and stress started getting the upper hand and in the end I came in last and the food came in first.     Plus by the end of the year I was an emotional roller coaster letting the nasty ones in my life run my emotions instead of me taking a stand against them. Sadly sometimes when ...