The 5oz Foodie

It's been sometime since my last post and I have like so many others screwed any resolutions I had made to myself so now it's just me being me again and back to where I started... Feeling a little more broken than before. Feeling tired, feeling defeated and just not sure which direction to go next... Don't worry, Mom knows what is going on... She is helping me with this new battle, we are fighting it together... We think we know what may be causing some of my issues, the cause of my present mental state and we are praying that path we are chosing is one that will lead us to the answers... Maybe even the answers to some other questions that I can share later on, but for now I ask for your Prayer and happy thoughts as I begin a quest if you will to get out of this fog I am currently drifting through... Some are probably thinking what is this all about? Well, for the past month or two I have just not been feeling like me... I have gained all of the weight back that I lost,...

It's been exactly a week since my last post and I know I said I was going to blog daily and my plan is to continue in that vein, but sometimes life gets in the way... emotions mostly get in the way... My emotions for Christmas got in the way this year... From the outside world, everyone would probably assume everything was pretty hunky dory aside from the minor stress during Holiday Party week or Toys for Tots wrap up week, but not so... I know I usually share my world; the good, the bad and the atrocious; but this time I concealed alot... A few weeks ago my family lost a friend back home that I have known for most of my life... He has been sick for quite some time but it really sadened me that Mom and I couldn't be there to pay respects to our friends... He was part of the person I am now...He was a fantastic musician, he made great blaffles (waffles that overflow the waffle maker), great friend and neighbor... I don't know what exactly happened, but Christmas just fel...

Little things over time can build up...Both good and bad... And if we hold them in too long they have a way of escaping... Usually the good things aren't so explosive but the bad things can come out in different forms... Underlying anger, snarky behavior, loss of temper, silent treatment to others, even sickness... Yep, when Kelly Clarkson said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, She wasn't refering to burried anger... Burried hurts and anger just make you hurt more... They make you less trusting to others and of others; and quitly frankly make you not fun to be around... In my life I have carried around a lot of anger at times, mostly in the past but I have in the not so distant past as well, and I have learned that when you carry that hurt and pain around with you and you don't dig it out, it will fester and make you miserable because it just wants to consume you... We all know people that just seem like they are miserable all the time and the only time t...

For some reason this year's rapidly approaching Christmas has been more emotional than year's past... Perhaps it is because last year was so huge, with sneaking home to surprise my entire family... But little things are bring about tears when normally I can keep it all together...Part of me is missing my family and big part of me is missing my Dad... Of all of the weird things that brought tears over my weekend, I was shopping at Bath and Body Works on Friday and they had a store bonus and of course because of all of these bonuses the store was packed almost like it was Black Friday again... Well once I made it to the register the cashier made me a deal on a purchase with purchase I couldn't pass up that I had considered and she actually added on additional discounts that I wasn't expecting which in turn saved me even more money and it just really touched me... I mean I know she was just doing what they probably told her to, but in the manner it was delivered made me ...

Quick turn around from last night, but who knew I would have so much to say at 9am on a Saturday morning after only being up for an hour... Why do people freel it's neccessary to bad mouth people they don't even know? And when they do hide behind a private account? That is what happened to me this morning on the Instagram... I have been blogging off and on here on Blogger since 2012 and before that sporadically on Facebook for a few years and I have had comments, usually positive but you post one photo of yourself enjoying a slice of Chocolate cake from Portillo's and suddenly your a FATF&@%...  REALLY? I mean seriously? That's all you got? That is SOOOO original... Then when I click on the name to see who came up this brilliant monicker their account is PRIVATE... Go figure... If you are going to have the BALLS to post something like that on a complete strangers instagram page or any social media page for that matter,  than you should at least have the cajones to...

What a whirl wind of a week... You know you are hitting extremes when one night you are in bed by 830 and the next you are still awake at 110... But my bed is calling me but I knew there were some things that needed to be said tonight... I know I havne't spoken a ton about the weight issue each day but believe me it's a lot to discuss... I wish I had an answer to why we end up falling back into our old habits after we get moving into better ones and doing so well... Why we have that internal self destruct button suddenly get pressed that just blows everything out of wack and we pack back on all of the weight we managed to set free to begin with, except this times all of those fat cells we sent packing, have returned home with a whole mess of their friends... I start to think that maybe the old habits are just to comfortable, like that old pair of stretchy pants that we all have in our closet... You know the ones I'm talking about... The ones that are a way smaller size ...

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is take a breath, step back and put your hand over your mouth... Because if you don't it can get you into more trouble than it is even worth...  Sadly not everyone knows this trick however... At the end of the day it's crazy when I look back and see just how many times I had to do this today alone... So for tonight, I am going to do something I don't do to often and I am going to ponder on todays happenings in silence. I am going to collect my thoughts as I collect my dreams and I will leave you with one thing... Each day is another step along your journey... Which way you go is up to you, which challenges you choose to step away from or face is up to you... Not every path is easy, nor is every path is clear, but if you stick to it, your journey can be an incredible one if you let it... musicsongbird

Some days you wake up only to want to roll over and go back to bed... And today was one of those weeks... But I have a job to go to and I knew I had people relying on me to be there and I am out of vacation pay so, High Ho, High Ho it's off to work i went...  Still with baby steps I traveled, tripping and stumbling over my breakfast choices, but thankfully the chili I brought for lunch was a great rescue and the applesauce I keep in my desk was a nice chaser for it as well, but the naughty bonus backstep was the bag of mini oreos I also found down by the appelsauce... But after the icky feelings I was having, I figured I probably "needed" them to help me feel better... Well, I don't suspect the Oreos did anything to make me feel bettter, I think it was the smiles from the new cast I met after lunch and got to show around and get to know, because I what I realize time and again, is that when you take your eyes off your own pain and hurt and self pitty and focus ...

Whoever thought starting a new journey in the middle of a holiday feeding frenzy was a good idea clearly has some issues on their hands... Oh wait, that person is me... But if you think about it, is there really ever a good time in anyones mind to start a new journey like this? I mean don't we all at some point come up with an excuse or don't we rationalize why it's ok to have that extra helping or to have the candy bar or 2 or 3... Why it's alright that we name our bed Gym and tell everyone that we are spending sometime there.  (Not that I have done that, I just know people that may have.) Sonow is the time and we are taking baby steps... why baby steps you ask? Because every step they make forward and not fall is a celebration! Despite be scared of the unknown babies want to move forward... They want to get places on their own and isn't that really what we all want? I have some pretty big things coming my way next year... I have family coming to visit me in ...

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is spend some time with some good friends even if it's just for an hour at lunch... You never truly realize just want that time does for your mental health...  Today wasn't 100% perfect with food and not evn close when it came to excercise or steps or activity at all, but it's all about acknowledging the change you see in yourself and taking baby steps in making those changes... I realize I can't go into things, everything all at once, because when I do I get all of this momentum and the minute something doesn't go as planned I get disappointed and I give up... So if I make small, smarter goals and I am able to reach them I can keep them... And with that I am less likely yo give up in the end... So for now, little steps and happy times with my friends will continue... musicsongbird

Wow, I feel like I climbed a mountain today... Well Bok Garden's is located on Iron Mountain and it is the 3rd highest spot in Florida so i guess in a way you could say I did.... So i guess that could be the reason I am completely exhausted... Which isn't really a bad thing, it means I had a great time enjoying the out of doors and getting some steps in... I didn't have a tremendous feeding frenzy like I typically do on my weekends... Today I enjoyed a small berakfast and light lunch served in the cafe at Bok tower and a delightful dinner at Manny's with the Bestie after a rousing game of mini golf... The one great insight I gained from this day was this... There are still really good people in the world... People that don't always think of themselves first and they are raising incredible children to think of others first as well... Every year Mom and I have the opportunity to go on a tour of the Founder's Room at Bok Tower which is basically the ground floo...

Another year is quickly coming to an end and so many things are rolling back to me... pounds mostly... and now I must begin a new journey and this time I am going to do something a little more live than I have done in the past... When I first began Skinny Girl...In a Fat Girl's Body; on January 1, 2012 it was all about me and living my life and the day to day observances and really a personal challenge to myself that I could write for an entire year... Well, I don't want to wait until January 1 this time around, because I need to start now... I need to get my health under control now... I was doing so well in the beginning of this year... I was down almost 30 pounds at one point and something in side of me just gave up... There was no injury that prevented me from getting out and moving, no sickness that kept me bed ridden... Just me... Something in my mind and my heart that started me on the down word spiral to where I sit now at 347 pounds... Not my heaviest by any means b...

Life has been anything but normal lately... for over 188 days I have been working on a huge project... Well, I have been not always been actively working on it, but I have been pursuing this project... You might call it a Home Improvement Project... A DIY even... Except for once, I decided I couldn't truly do it alone anymore... On Tuesday, I completed a 15 week Healthy You class at Our Center for Living Well where I work... A class that combined the Nutritional, Mental and Physical Fitness aspects that we need to make healthier decisions for our selves... During the time frame of the class I have lost 10 pounds which for some may not seem like much, but for me, I will take it... For someone who has lived the ups and downs of weight gain and weightloss, every loss is a win and a step closer to my goal... Which brings me to probably the biggest truth I have been contemplating for awhile and one I can not take back once I have posted it... So this is my huge step of faith... No...

So 126 days in and 22 pounds down and feeling pretty good physically but mentally I am struggling within myself still on a daily basis and I know that will happen because I am human. I know I should be getting out there and exercising and working out and all sorts of things but right now mentally all I can handle is the dietary changes and tracking how many steps I am taking per day and on days like today when I barely broke 1500 I feel like I failed myself somehow. But on the flip side I was under my calories, just barely and I should be happy, but I guess it's just a case of the throwing other feelings I am going through into the container and slamming the lid shut on them kind of day to deal with them later. Sometimes all you can do is take one step at a time and for me, my step is getting the calories under control. I still struggle with wanting to over eat and so I have to prepackage my breakfast and lunches for work and Mom and I menu plan our dinners so I know what to expe...

So I am on an amazing, difficult, stressful, relaxing, relentless, exciting, dramatic, painful, drawn out, extreme, life changing journey of weight-loss right now... I have been using the My Fitness Pal app for 106 days and haven't missed a log in yet. I log all of my food and beverage intake and my exercise as well. Right now the exercise consists of walking to my locations at work instead of driving when I can and then walking on my weekends with my bestie.  I am working myself back to working out like I used to, it's little steps. This is a marathon not a 50 yard dash... I am finding that I am craving fresh foods instead of fast... I am loving veggies and fruits especially the fresh blueberries you can pick right now at local farms... We are going for the 3rd weekend in a row this week... I am getting great satisfaction from picking my own food and seeing where it comes from... I am finding my passion for cooking again... I hate to admit it Mom, but for awhile I was regr...

So no one said it was going to be easy but I am making little changes that are making a big impact on my day to day life... 90 days ago I re-downloaded the Myfitnesspal app and have been logging my food and exercise everyday and I am honestly seeing a difference in what I eat and how I feel... No one said this journey would be easy or quick but day by day I notice new things and feel a little better... I think my Mom said it best this weekend when she said that she never thought she would enjoy eating healthy foods... and I totally agree... I still have people ask if I am dieting and I have to tell them how much I dislike that word, DIET... When you Diet it is so temporary... It makes me think of fads that come and go, usually not under a doctor's supervision and usually involving cutting out something like carbs or everything white or all sugars or everything with green stripes or some odd reasoning behind it... I prefer to look at what I am doing as a lifestyle overhaul... Yo...

I forgot what it' felt like to eat healthy... When I lived alone I ate a certain way because I didn't have a lot of money and so I spent my money wisely but on healthier choices and I found myself losing weight and now all of these years later I am consciously tracking the food I am putting in my body and I find that the longer I track it, the more I feel my cravings changing... Does this mean I don't want a piece of cake or a cookie now, absolutely not, it just means I don't find myself wanting to mindlessly sit down and pout away a bag of chips or candy or cookies... I feel like I am OK with just a little something... If you don't allow yourself a variety of foods then you will end up sabotaging yourself in the end... I think the less extra sweets I have, other than fruits which are naturally sweet, the less processed sweets I crave... Before I couldn't drive past Krispy Kreme or Baskin Robbins without wanting to pull in... Now I'm OK with a bowl of Hone...

I messed up tonight, I lost another fight I still mess up but I'll just start again I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground I always get up now to see what's next [Pre-Chorus] Birds don't just fly, they fall down and get up Nobody learns without getting it wrong [Chorus] I won't give up, no I won't give in Till I reach the end and then I'll start again No I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail I won't give up, no I won't give in Til I reach the end and then I'll start again No I won't leave, I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail [Verse 2] Look at how far you've come, you filled y`our heart with love Baby you've done enough, take a deep breath Don't beat yourself up, don't need to run so fast Sometimes we come last, but we did our best [Chorus] I won't give up, no I won't give in Til I reach the end and then I'll start again ...

It's been a long month... I haven't written in awhile again. I go through these peaks and valleys where I just don't feel like communicating out of my finger tips and right now I guess Yelping tonight got my juices flowing. So to catch you up I have started a pretty huge step over the past month, I am and have been actively tracking my food and calories and steps/activity through an app called My Fitness Pal and as painful as it is some days I do it. It's not easy realizing what you are actually putting into your body. Entering in steps and calories burned is easy because you get those calories back, but definitely not the opposite. But I have had some really supportive friends and it's made it a lot easier this time around and believe me I have been around this block a time or twelve, but this time it definitely feels different. This time I feel more thoughtful I think... I feel more focused... Now if I can just get my body to cooperate I will be in a great pla...

What a whirlwind of a week... I am so tired but I am equally proud of myself... For the first time in I can't remember when I actually walked all the way from the Biergarten backstage to cast services and then from there back to my office behind Mission Space... That isn't all... Then later on I took a round trip from my office to Norway and back with my boss, walking both ways... No coughing episodes, no major wheezing, just feeling a little worn out but feeling proud of myself for not giving up today... I didn't quite make it to 10,000 steps but I am almost there and I will get back to that number on a consistent basis again, but until I do I will continue to take things one step at a time... The hardest thing to realize when you are trying to lose weight is that it takes time... You didn't put the weight on all in one sitting, so unless you plan on having surgery or liposuction, you aren't going to have it all come off in one sitting wither... 1-2 pounds pe...