The 5oz Foodie

It's so funny, because I post my blog on different places on line, like Facebook and SparkPeople and one of my dreams when I started writing short cheesy romances about NKOTB back in High School, was that I would write a story that people everywhere would want to read... I never could have imagined that the story they would want to read is mine... Thanks to blogging I have been able to share my crazy life with others... I know some feel like it's too much, but for me it is therapy... For me it is a chance to share my struggles and fears in hopes of finding answers to why I am the way that I am.... It's also my chance to reach out to others that may be having struggles of their own... Some days I feel like I write nonsense or too little, but then I get messages from my global friends that encourage me to keep writing, even when I think I didn't really have anything important to share that day... It just shows me that maybe what I wrote wasn't meant for me to learn ...

This has been an emotionally draining few days, but in the end I know I will feel stronger and someone that needed to hear my story will begin a new chapter in their own road to recovery. My friend and I were talking about dreams today. The dreams we have when we are children. Most young girls dream about finding a husband and getting married and having a family but I never really had that dream for myself. I always dreamed of marrying someone famous, nothing realistic. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been on a date,  never have had sex and I am 38 years old. I am not a lesbian either. I am sad scared little girl that is fighting to be free of a sentence I did not deserve.  A sentence to life in my own personal prison, trapped by the fear and the abuse caused by a sick man. I have spent  30+ years of my life in hiding. My therapist says I have a disconnect from my mind to my body. I know this is why I am the weight of two healthy adults....

In order for one to move forward in life, very often they must handle their past.  I have a past that I am dealing with head on. I truly believe God has given me a platform, here, where through my stories others can try and find peace and healing as well. I have been dealing with depression for years and years. I believe it escalated when I moved to Florida because it was the first time I had truly lived on my own and a thousand miles from family.  I went through days of putting on the mask making magic for coworkers and guests and spent nights sad and lonely and driving my best friend crazy because he wanted to help but didn't know how. He kept suggesting talking to someone but I was too scared by the stigma of therapy and anti-depressants and the self pride of thinking I would get over it on my own. All I can say is Thank God he stayed by me and encouraged me because in July of 2009 I finally talked to my doctor and she introduced me to what I like to call my Happy Pills. ...