The 5oz Foodie

It absolutely amazes me what I am learning about myself and the world around me this week and I feel a bit of a roll coming on... First I have to say I took myself on a date this past week and allowed some time for myself, just me. No texting friends, but going out and seeing a movie, doing some shopping and just having some alone time and it was quite refreshing... Then I did something I don't normally do, I took a vacation day so I could go to a doctor's appointment or two and then spend some time with the bestie... And I had an incredibly fun and relaxing day... I laughed, I cried a little, I laughed some more, I may have screamed once... maybe twice, just to get a reaction from BFF really and I learned something about myself... I have always had an extremely hard time expressing myself when I am confronted face to face in a personal situation... Work not so much but personal definitely... Ask the BFF... But when it comes to writing out my thoughts and feelings and emoti...

I feel like I am slipping again... Back into the things that I have moved forward from... Some of the past hurts and maybe it isn't that I have slipped back but rather I haven't really worked through them... It's incredible the insight you gain at midnight after watching a Lifetime Christmas Movie... I know people aren't perfect but sometimes they don't think before they speak and it ends up hurting without intention... Of course depending on your frame of mind the hurt can just graze the surface, where it doesn't need more than a band-aid to make it feel better and then there are times where it can feel like you have a gaping wound... Do you just act like it never happened and move forward or do you confront the person, which could possibly cause even more pain and hurt... So you don't say anything and instead of letting it go you let it replay over and over in your mind and that little boo-boo covered with a band-aid gets infected because all you did...

Probably one of the biggest things to happen to me in the last decade is getting to the root of my emotional history and getting medical assistance for my depression... For so many years there was a certain stigma attached to people that suffered from depression... That it wasn't real, that they weren't finding their true happiness and they just needed to snap out of it... In my mind I knew if I admitted that I was depressed than they would expect me to go through therapy and they would dope me up until I couldn't feel anything... Well that wasn't true... BFF helped me realize I needed to talk to my doctor because honestly, I just wasn't happy... At work no one could tell that on the inside I was miserable... I was still the laughing, crazy, magical me that everyone expected... However, when I was home I was sad and depressed... BFF put up with a lot, he was an amazing support... When I finally went on Meds I didn't tell anyone for awhile... Not ever BFF, be...

So tonight I finally decided to read about the two happy pills I am taking, one in the morning and one at night and I believe I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop taking the morning one... Don't worry I will see my Doctor before taking myself off... The reasons are that I am experiencing side effects from it and I don't believe I have had any real change since adding this new pill... Since taking this new medicine I have developed a dry mouth condition, which worsens over night... My sleep has been awful... I don't wake up feeling rested anymore... I have been suffering from head aches on a pretty regular basis, it's not always the weather that is causing it... I have been having minor dizzy spells off and on... But probably the biggest thing is that I have gained back almost all of the of the weight I had lost... I know I have splurged now and then but I have become more active in the last few weeks and I am being more mindful of my food intake, but th...

I am not giving up...   I am better than that... I know depression will rear it's ugly head and try and convince me that I can't accomplish things but I know God is in control and through Him I can do anything... As far as the PartyLite goes, I am not going to back away from a challenge... It's not going to be easy, but I know I have the knowledge and the likability that someone will want to earn free stuff and have a party with me. :) I realized some things today and they are things I will work on for me... Things that have fallen by the wayside lately... I have let me fall by the wayside and that has to stop... I have made so much progress toward and happier me, that I can't skimp on the healthier me... I need to be all in on this just like I was on the mental health and unlocking the mysteries of my past... Love, peace and all in... Musicsongbird Go light your world... http://www.partylite.biz/sites/onelittlespark

Once upon a time there was a little girl that struggled with her weight and she became a teenage girl that struggled even more... Then she was in her 20's and her size went up and down to match her emotions and now she is at the end of her 30's and she is still not happy with her size... Tonight I found myself sitting in front of the TV stuffing my fave with pita chips, not even realizing I was doing it until Mom said something... I think that the depression is rearing it's ugly head and I am just not caring right now... I am on a new Happy pill and I am hoping that it will help me like the doctor says once it gets in my system... Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is ask for help, especially when it comes to depression... It took me a long time to begin with when I asked to be put on meds those few years ago, but it's even harder to admit that those pills need a little more help... The one thing I must remember is that there is no shame in having depression... ...

If you don't suffer from a silent illness like depression, you can't understand... I have been on my happy pills for almost 4 years and they help but it isn't a cure all... I doesn't make or better yet, they shouldn't make you numb to the world... You take them to help you cope with the normal stresses in life that might otherwise sending you spiraling into an abyss of sadness... Because of this, there are just some days you need to take time for yourself... Not running here and there trying to make everyone else happy, but time to make yourself happy... To remind yourself that how you feel is truly the most important thing... Your personal health matters... Love, peace and take the time... Musicsongbird

Yesterday I spoke a little bit about uncovering some past hurt and today I think I need to explain it a little further... I have said this before but it bares repeating... Parents you need to teach your children that words hurt... Calling another kid; stupid, ugly, gay, fat, whale, grouch, I think you get my point, is unacceptable... They are especially unacceptable coming from you... Words like that stick with children... Around the third grade I started emotional eating and thus began gaining weight... By the 8th grade I was 185 pounds... I was called fat, whale, lard ass, you name it... I didn't wear jeans until maybe my Junior Year in High School because they didn't make them for plus size girls back then... Thankfully or maybe unthankfully, I grew up with a very outgoing personality... So any pain I experienced from the names was buried down beneath the food and the fat and I became the funny, crazy girl... I realized early on in life, if I was the center of attention, ...

As you have been reading,if you've been reading my blog, Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't mean you are crazy. Depression is a chemical imbalance and it isn't something that just fixes itself. I have a friend that insists the depression they have is just something that comes and goes and they are fine. What they don't realize is that left untreated depression can get worse.  If you know someone that is suffering from depression be a good friend and be willing to listen and give them the support they need to get help. I am thankful for the friend that listened to me.  I am a survivor... musicsongbird